The photos of June with her lamb chop in front at Buzina Pop (E.73rd St/Lexington) and the beautiful Catholic church on the way (E.74th St/Lexington) called St. Jean Baptiste Roman Catholic Church. It is huge~. (I wonder if it is primarily Francophone-Canadian or French church).
Anyway,
Another heartbreaking good-bye. Even though it is a good thing for her to go back to Denmark... I am going to miss her a lot. When I grow up, I want to be like her. (She is thirty years old, and doesn't look like it). Her energy and her calm brightness... She exudes happiness of the sort I really admire.
We went out together a lot. Even though I was drunk, and trying to experiment with interacting with guys in the club... she was very nice. And she loves to dance like I do.
She is going back because she now has a baby. I was so so happy for her, because I felt she was so ready and happy for it. I was right.
We talked a lot. I enjoyed listening to her. We share the love of travels and new experiences, and adventurous natures.. But, as we talked, we found a very different point of views between us. She said she has "a core of self" that doesn't change, and respect others as others. I said I didn't have any core or identity. I am ready to change anytime. And I don't feel insecure about it at all, I just do it. She said she would try to feel like natives wherever she goes, but it is very different from changing herself every time. Voila.. that was the difference. She is confident, and she is someone who is very reliable. On the other hand, I don't have a concept of confidence. I don't have a concept of self. I am just a vehicle of experiencing.
Maybe when I finally had to give up that I was an alien (I was about 12 years old, I vividly remember-yeah, I grow up very slow..), I stopped trying to form a concept of self...
Looking at her, talking to her, listening to her, I was sure she would be so happy with a beautiful baby and loving Allan. I sincerely wished her happiness. She is leaving on Saturday.
I told her, maybe for the first time in my life, I was feeling the emotional equilibrium. It was a very strangely significant feeling for me. Maybe, I was meant to see her today, to see her face again, to realize that her kind of person exists, to see her having a baby, to see her off.
I don't know exactly what I am feeling, what I am calling the emotional equilibrium (it is more like a spiritual equilibrium, but I don't want to use the word spiritual). But it is a happy feeling, and it is something that would change my life, I feel. ^^
Some people told me that I was smart. But, not from modesty, but from honesty, I never thought I was smart. I get high scores because I am good at cramming (And I forget everything). But it is nothing about being smart, if someone has a little bit of obsession or will (or jealosy or passion or greed), one can so easily do it. The reason I can never be smart, the biggest reason, is that I am too happy. No one can be smart if he is too happy. No, more like no one can be happy if he is smart and knows too much about this world. Being smart is like June (future psychologist), who can give the best advices for anything with her convincing power, or Joy (future Buddhism professor), who knows everything, David who can create amazing arts, or Akki, who can write songs according to his emotions and record any song he hears, with oneman-show ship of playing all the instruments. Wow, actually, everyone's smart. But, I really don't think I am smart.
Is it because I don't have the sense of self? Again, should I bother myself with identity? Am I Korean? No. partly. Am I American? No. partly. Am I Japanese? Not at all, but partly. Am I woman? No. But physically. Am I 25 years old? No, but according to the system of counting the age. Um, am I Jiah? Yeah, I am Jiah, but sometimes I am not... This is very difficult. But, kind of fun.
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