Sweet saltiness of Chrysothamnus Tea

When I came back from study, from a beautiful city of night (with a clouded half moon), from sadness of regreting not loving enough people from my past, because of my stupidity,

Chrysothamnus Tea was waiting for me...
Tea came from Korea, directly from my Buddhist monk cousin.

I smelled saltiness. I smelled the earth. I smelled death (because chrysothamnus is a flower that you offer to the dead in Korea.)
And I cried, because it was so rightly soothing for this moment.
Green tea would been so harsh for me. Hot chocolate would been so illusionary fro me.

I was humming a Brazilian singer's song. A very happy Bossa Nova. Then, it made me sad. Because I was reminded of all the people I didn't love enough. Especially, Hiro. I don't feel guilty anymore. But, I feel very sad. I hope all of them are happy.

I should be a professional tram photographer.

The color of the day around 4 pm is so magical. 'magical mystery tour-'

I told my little brother that i was preparing for the test. And make sure not to tell parents about it. Because i wanted to get a ride from him on the day of the test. But it seems i have to get a cap.

My little brother is very inspiring. He didn't graduate from high school. He fought in school against stupid kids who likes to make fun of 'yellow people.' I understand the racist prejudice black kids experience would be nothing to compare with our experience in this Brooklyn public high school. But some kids can be violent toward us. But usually kids in my school were nice. I could still make friends even though i didn't dress well.

Anyway, my brother went to a city college. But suddenly, he took an interest in study. With good grades, he went to Binghamton, on of the best public universities. He is in a pre-med program. He said he got the best grade among 400 students.

I really respect him. Because I know why he is studying so hard. And because he didn't study much in the past, it must have been extra hard for him to study.

Yey, let's learn from my little bro. I will do my best.

Ki-duk kim's 'spring, summer, fall, winter...and spring'

Hiro's friend asked him to watch the film. The reason is obvious. Hiro told me to watch it too and i watched it with another man.

To watch the nature of Korea was... making my heart to explode (and also the set is from my family's (not my) hometown). I recognized the shape of mountains (and their reflections on lake surface), the clouds, the rocks, the colors of water, everything. It is amazing how one can feel so attached to the nature. He wanted to watch a French film because he could see the landscape of Provence. I cried when I went to Korea after four years to see the korean pine trees in the mountain.

Why do we feel attached to the nature? Would I cry to see the old hometown city view? Maybe because the spirits reside only in the nature?

On the floating temple in the middle of the lake, surrounded by the mountains,

One man goes through the life, like the seasons go,

Spring, he is young, he tortures a sname, a fish, and a frog by binding them to a small piece of stone.

Summer, he falls in love with a girl who came to the temple to cure her illness. They make love, and the master finds out, she leaves, and he follows.

Fall. He lives a life full of anger, because she left him for another man. He kills his wife, and flees back to the temple. He lives his sentence in prison. The master burns himself.

Winter. He comes back, and live in piece.

Spring. A woman with a scarf on her face brings a baby and dies.

During "fall," when he was still full of anger, the master writes the full text of prajnaparamita sutra on the floor of the temple. He asks the man to carve them out. With policemen watching him down to take him to prison, with all his energy, he finishes carving.

"Perfection of Wisdom"

색즉시공 色卽是空 공즉시색 空卽是色 All phenomena is void "emptiness," "emptiness" is all phenomena.

How much time it even took me to understand a little bit of this deep idea. Because I was against of the idea of "emptiness" But, this simple sentence has so many levels. Eventually, it is liberating.

So, then, the master is teaching him to lose attachment.

Maybe I am my own way, because I grew up with Buddhism and I studied it. I am fundamentally too non-attached, so I tried to feel more "attachment."

I love this statue.

When the man finds out the mother of the child (possibly the woman he loved) died, he burdens himself with a huge rock and take this statue to put on the top of the mountain. The statue looks down on the sea of mountain.

I wanted to catch...

..The sparkles on the surface of East River around 10 am on the late November day of 50 degrees. Because it will be different after a few days.
So melodic...
Um... What kind of music would it be? Because it is ridiculously pure, maybe church music... Seventeenth or eighteenth century... Bach... Or the composer right before him, who i heard somewhere. If it is colder and windier, and if it was a little later in the day... I would ask for some old traditional Korean song called 'chang.' Because the same old purity will have been hardened, and will be more of a cry of 'han.' Ah, I want to watch 'Seopyunjae' again. It is an old Korean movie about a traditional 'chang' singer in the turn of the last century. The life she has to go through to perfect her music. She has to travel around and go through all the hardship. I love the nature and her being part of it and transforming it through her singing. The message was something like... She has to embrace the nature, tune herself ( whatever hardship it means) and later she transcends... It is such a long time ago, so I might be just making up. Now, I really have to watch it. After the test!
Maybe, life is really for more than a life. What are all these difficulties for? Well, nothing. But i can use them. What is my art to perfect in this life? How can I face this world? How can I transform it?

I was eating 'jalea( mixed fried seafood-sooo good)' in 'piopio,' a Peruvian restaurant on First Ave & 91st street. I loved the symbols on the wall.

Alternative consciousness

Now, no more drinking (still doubting, can I do that?), no more smoking, no more coffee after the test...
How can I enjoy 'alternative consciousness'?

I will definitely take a ballroom dancing class. I already have a companion. I need to allow my body some freedom without my intervention. And then... I can't delay guitar & drumming lessons either. My energy will be clogged and causes me to go crazy. And then... I have to learn French & Chinese. French-ness in me will go rotten if I don't allow it vent. I didn't hear my Chinese-ness screaming out yet. But, I shouldn't let it die young. Hm..... I can't afford everything i want money-wise & time-wise. But they are the minimum requirement for my sanity, if I decide not to drink...

After the test, I want to watch lots of Jack Black movies to recover the power.

The day calls for Elton John

This kind of ironically festive day (supposedly, because it is Thanksgiving) is for Elton John. "Benny and the Jets" or "Rocketman" or "Philadelphia Freedom." For no specific reason. (Someday, I will sit down and study lyrics). I wonder why Elton John's songs are always ironical, even when it is brightest and happiest. Is it just me? Is it the sentiment of his time?

It is raining and empty. But, it is a thanksgiving. And I am all by myself. And I am entertaining myself by singing old songs to myself.

Now, I am an exciting (and crazy) time of D-single digit toward the test. From now, I shouldn't really talk to anyone. So, today, I called a lot of friends, I shot a lot of emails. I don't know why I am so anxious anytime I have an exam. My whole metabolism changes, and I can't eat well and nothing stays in my brain or stomach. If it is occasionally, it is mentally and physically refreshing. If it is too often, I will really go crazy..... But, it is OK with me, because I enjoy whatever, the only thing is I look crazy to other people. And I am seriously thinking about killing myself if I don't reach my goal...

Like during DIV3 (senior thesis), I lived in the outside lounge of the school library, surrounded by the mountain of books, and my three meals were each pint of ice cream. The only thing I did except sitting and going to bathroom was to play the pool or the table-tennis with friends, whoever I can catch at the time. When I had to study in my room, I drank 10 cups of coffee a day, only listened to Depeche Mode. Not that I tried to be eccentric. I had to... Like other people have a mode of behaviors (shopping or eating)during stress-time.

Today, I studied for a while in the building lounge, so after a few hours of study I treated myself to pool games and called Suyeon at Hampshire who is doing DIV3.

Wild ride

Wow.....
I was amazed by my sick face in the mirror. The whole face was white including lips without a tint of red. It is not something that happens everyday. So, I was truly amazed.
For almost ten minuites, spasms in a strange rhythm ruled my body inside out. Mainly along the intestine path. I vomitted terribly. The cause is.. I don't know. My know-it-all mommy told me it is because I don't eat dinners. I think it might be chilian bass with too much oil, or oysters (or their cousin) pickled in a Korean style. Maybe it is my test anxiety. (it is intereting that, for any event, I can think of millions of reasons). Maybe god is punishing me for thinking too much about the theme of death, he/she thinks I am too arrogant. It might be also 'a butterfly effect' of someone in Madagascar peeing on the street.

Seven minutes past one PM;
I am powerlessly lying on my bed.
All I can move is these fingers typing. Usually, I enjoy the calm break the sickness offers. And all the special treatments. But, this is not really a good timing.

I want to wear a red eyeshadow

A cup of my first-of-season hot chocolate made me so happy that the red color abused by restaurants to make people hungry and spend money was ok with me ( I even thought that I want to wear red eyeshadows to harmonize with this night of the city). Cold refreshness without delicious smell of the earth, though very sad, was bearable.

Um, hot chocolate after two meals of eating out is a bit of luxury. But, well, I wanted it. And because the melody of the old Korean movie '' peppermint candy'' came back. I had it peppermint hot chocolate.

Gosh, it is amazing how many things that I haven't done ( to friends and to myself) come to my attention only when I can't do it. Like right now. I will definitely regret a lot when I die.

Calm Saturday

316 East 88th St.
The Church of holy trinity

http://www.holytrinity-nyc.org/

I like the building that I can breathe memories. This is it.

I will have to buy a gas gun

It took me quite a while to realize this girl was pulling a knige on my stomach. She asked me to give her everything. I didn't know what to do at all so I screamed 'help' and ran up the escalator like crazy. And in the flatform of 6 train when I felt I escaped, I cried loudly. I couldn't stop. My heart was like in disco ( i couldn't get its rhythm). My legs shaking. I didn't realize everyone was watching me until a few people asked me if I was ok. I was so scared by this little girl about 17 yrs old. Me who is not afraid of anything except ghosts. Later I was sad that this girl had to act like that. Poor girl. I think i understand her feeling of 'not having'. But I hope someone teaches her how to handle that feeling and use it for her own good until it is too late.
Later at home I laughed about it with my mother by reacting my cry. It was funny to her because she knew how I would cry.

A break from a rainy passion

I was worried.... That I got too excited about the crazy rain. When I got out of the rain (its lobby already decorated for the Christmas...maybe that affected me), water was pouring at the digree of 60. I thought it was amazingly beautiful. Again, the photo doesn't testify well.

And... I became a part of it ( meaning I was totally whipped and wetted). If it was not in the middle of the city, but the field, I would've thrown the useless umbrella of mine and become one with it instead of a part.

The double bus (M101 on Lexington Ave) was totally empty. The second time (almost) in my life since the time in Shikoku, Japan, when I was heading to Ehime (Hiro's hometown) from the southern part of the island. I had such a good talk with a driver about ghosts, because it was a ghosty night. Maybe after that I did another car pool to a local hot spring (on-sen)--where I was in a very good danger.

-- It is just so sad that I lost all my diaries and photos from that time. I don't love Japan or Japanese culture. But I have an affection to that little island- country. Because of the personally symbolic memories. To me, Japan means freedom. That was only place I was entirely free, I did almost everything that came to my mind except spending too much money. My 'love- if I can call it that way, attachment of any sort' is very situational, conditional.

Rain was pouring uk-su-ro ( korean adverb, a southern dialect that means cats and dogs, special word for me).

I was on my way to Jean Gon's house to exchange some traditional Korean food. She lives in Korea Town in midtown. On the way, I was a little scared of the fact I was estranged from this part of the city. I don't know why. Usually, I am ok about my lukewarm koreanness.

On the way, the Empire State was shrouded by flowing clouds. The way clouds flow was even exotic.

Jean won the award for her journalist writing about Nam Jun Paik. The institution is called New America Media (She is on the front page photo!!), which combine the forces of all ethnic media. What a meaningful award. I loved the article so much. It was about her personal encounter with the famous video artist.

Even though it was still pouring, I decided to take 6 train so that i can take a tram.

Another lucky encounter was Morgan Library museum which is hosting Bob Dylan's exhibition. He is also very special. Such a person makes me feel alive. 'like a rolling stone' is my first guitar song. My first big concert is his. I am listening to 'Don't think twice' almost every day.

Now, I am sitting in Franchia, a traditional Korean tea house, which reminds me of Insadong( traditional village in Seoul, Korea)'s tea houses. I drank Schisandia Chinesis tea ( Omija cha).

Maybe I wanted to show that I am still connected with Korean cultures. Maybe, I wanted to cleanse my brain from the noise by writing out. Maybe I just needed a break from the passion of rain.

The music by Korean instruments sound very soothing on my ears. Various music. Hey jude by the bealtles. And the theme song of 'the last emperor' by sakamoto ryuichi. Maybe this guy is my first actor crush. He acted as a Japanese general who commits suicide in Manchuria as soon as the Japanese emperor anounces the defeat of Japan in WW two. I found out later that he also composed all the music in the movie. What a human.. I fell in love with him. His character was against all my ideals. The guy who would kill himself for the country?... It is the silliest think anyone in any era can do in my opinion. Something to laugh about. Also, I didn't like Japan as a country (all the wrongs it did). But, in the eyes and the heart of the this slow adolencent girl, his acting made it something else. He made me feel it was something else. He is not killing himself for any cause. It is something that I would do if I was born in 1930's in Korea by killing myself in the midst of independece movements, or thr eighteen century France shouting liberty or The time of witch hunting by burning myself in impunity, with all innocence. It is not for any cause. He is not dying for any cause. So, even though I don't accept his death for the country, I understand his death. Can I just say it is something like living the spirit of the era? I am not sure. But I don't know what the spirit of this era is. Maybe that is why I don't have to kill myself. Lucky me. Lola Montez, 'you have to live before you die.' True. I like this kind of easy-to-know, simply truthful quote.

I am trying to make myself understand. What am I after? His life and his death is a solution, the only solution that my brain can imagine for the eternal problem of life (I don't want to use the word "existential" because I don't understand the concept well). Especially, sharply felt during the time of this movie, amid all the meaningless wars and deaths. The turn of the century. There is no such thing like cause to die for. Then, you have to make one. Because you have to live. And you have to die for that, for the same reason. In a strangely smart way, he showed a hint that he was not dying for the cause, but for his life. To make his life worthwhile. (Again, I am against any kind of suicide).

Um, I really loved a lot of men... In case of Sakamoto Ryuichi, I loved crazily. Maybe, that is almost a few months after I loved Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind. All these men are so full of life. Um, Rhett Butler also went to war in a very similar way.

Deep inside I don't really care which law school I go to. But now it just became the battle with myself. And that is the last person person I want to be defeated by.. No, it is more than that.

Between need, gods and choice.

What makes a good photo?

Really.... I want to know.

Free fall

I don't understand why falling leaves have to be treated like garbage. Can they stay longer on the ground nourishing the earth instead of causing another garbage problem?

I always wonder why magazine models have to smile at something without any background. I hope I know why they are so happy. I like the pose of Scarlett Johansson. She is natural whatever she does.

Looking down at the dark river...

I was thinking about free fall.

I want to experience Einstein's free fall.

Long enough to feel no gravity, seeing the apple floating with me...

Time flows differently...

I would be so happy to free fall, diving, sky diving or bunge jump.

If I sky dive, I hope that I don't fall unconscious so that I don't open the balloon (what is it called?),

I hope someone invents a safe free fall system (not like sky diving), very very long, comfortable (not like bungee jump)--- wow, coincidence- I am listening to "dive to blue" by L'arc en Ciel.

When Einstein did "thought experiments," would he also examined the subject's mind?

Was he able to imagine that he(the subject) would feel very very scared?

In fact, I am not so sure if I am strong enough to bear the fear. I get very scared. Sometimes, for little things, I get shocked well. But, I enjoy the fear. It also pushes me to venture more. Not that I am a masochist who enjoys pain or fear itself. I like the feeling that I am overcoming something.

Why do we fear? It seems to me "fear" doesn't have any evolutionary advantage for survival. If I free fall, and if I can stay sharp to turn up the balloon at the right time, isn't it better than to feel unconscious? If you see a snake, isn't it better to think of an escape strategy than freaking out? Maybe, the nature or God ( whatever the force of the evolution is, if there is) doesn't trust our thinking power enough so he gives hands to our intution or reflex, ruled by him? What is it? Why do we have a feeling of fear? It would be so much great if we don't. Just to be modest? It doesn't make sense. For fun? (Yes, for my case). I'm dying to know... I should go back to Hampshire to ask. That is another thing to do after the test. I will see Laura. I also want to read "Blink" and the book published to criticize it.

Fascinate me! (Just felt like saying it~)

Hiro sent me these recordings; chrus, guitar, drums (according to him the combination of plastic bags, instant noodle boxes, and his feet)..
They were so good, even better than originals, I couldn't stop listening.

I ws a little sad though, that I couldn't get his talent out with power of my love. My absence works better than my love.

I know for certain that Hiro will be really successful and charming. He will come back later with all his glamour (and a gorgeous wife or girlfriend) and say "sorry it is too late to get me back, I told you you would regret." Even though it will hurt me if he says that, I hope it happens.

Bye bye June...

The photos of June with her lamb chop in front at Buzina Pop (E.73rd St/Lexington) and the beautiful Catholic church on the way (E.74th St/Lexington) called St. Jean Baptiste Roman Catholic Church. It is huge~. (I wonder if it is primarily Francophone-Canadian or French church).

Anyway,

Another heartbreaking good-bye. Even though it is a good thing for her to go back to Denmark... I am going to miss her a lot. When I grow up, I want to be like her. (She is thirty years old, and doesn't look like it). Her energy and her calm brightness... She exudes happiness of the sort I really admire.

We went out together a lot. Even though I was drunk, and trying to experiment with interacting with guys in the club... she was very nice. And she loves to dance like I do.

She is going back because she now has a baby. I was so so happy for her, because I felt she was so ready and happy for it. I was right.

We talked a lot. I enjoyed listening to her. We share the love of travels and new experiences, and adventurous natures.. But, as we talked, we found a very different point of views between us. She said she has "a core of self" that doesn't change, and respect others as others. I said I didn't have any core or identity. I am ready to change anytime. And I don't feel insecure about it at all, I just do it. She said she would try to feel like natives wherever she goes, but it is very different from changing herself every time. Voila.. that was the difference. She is confident, and she is someone who is very reliable. On the other hand, I don't have a concept of confidence. I don't have a concept of self. I am just a vehicle of experiencing.

Maybe when I finally had to give up that I was an alien (I was about 12 years old, I vividly remember-yeah, I grow up very slow..), I stopped trying to form a concept of self...

Looking at her, talking to her, listening to her, I was sure she would be so happy with a beautiful baby and loving Allan. I sincerely wished her happiness. She is leaving on Saturday.

I told her, maybe for the first time in my life, I was feeling the emotional equilibrium. It was a very strangely significant feeling for me. Maybe, I was meant to see her today, to see her face again, to realize that her kind of person exists, to see her having a baby, to see her off.

I don't know exactly what I am feeling, what I am calling the emotional equilibrium (it is more like a spiritual equilibrium, but I don't want to use the word spiritual). But it is a happy feeling, and it is something that would change my life, I feel. ^^

Some people told me that I was smart. But, not from modesty, but from honesty, I never thought I was smart. I get high scores because I am good at cramming (And I forget everything). But it is nothing about being smart, if someone has a little bit of obsession or will (or jealosy or passion or greed), one can so easily do it. The reason I can never be smart, the biggest reason, is that I am too happy. No one can be smart if he is too happy. No, more like no one can be happy if he is smart and knows too much about this world. Being smart is like June (future psychologist), who can give the best advices for anything with her convincing power, or Joy (future Buddhism professor), who knows everything, David who can create amazing arts, or Akki, who can write songs according to his emotions and record any song he hears, with oneman-show ship of playing all the instruments. Wow, actually, everyone's smart. But, I really don't think I am smart.

Is it because I don't have the sense of self? Again, should I bother myself with identity? Am I Korean? No. partly. Am I American? No. partly. Am I Japanese? Not at all, but partly. Am I woman? No. But physically. Am I 25 years old? No, but according to the system of counting the age. Um, am I Jiah? Yeah, I am Jiah, but sometimes I am not... This is very difficult. But, kind of fun.

While eating very untasteful 'light yogurt,' thinking I will never eat 'light' yogurt

I read this quote from someone's Myspace.

'To love is to see an imperfect person perfectly.'

If it was 'love is orgasm,' I would've just laughed and forgotten. But this kind of stupid romantic love quote makes me angry. This line of thought, the imagery of 'blind love' is what lies beneath the wars among religions, the conflicts among cultures, all kinds of stupid idolatries. And of course, bitter heartbreaks after your hormones stop affecting your brain.

My point is why love is so much about feeling good. Is it for the person you love or for yourself? I understand ( because my English is short) that it can mean to see imperfection itself as perfection. But I still don't like the quote.

Some critic guy (I forgot his very difficult name, his a blonde guy with glasses who writes sharp words about pop culture.) wrote there are too many wrong or simply bad images of love. Influenced by medias, all-spread internet, constant songs from Ipod and some immature celebrities (who just have too much money to grow up), we all started to love the same way. Ready-made love.

Haha, I sound very harsh. But I love people and this world. I am not going to kill anyone with my harmless comments.

That is why the title is 'while I am eating untasteful yogurt' This kind of sensation can really affect thinking. Maybe it is the fact that my score was so bad today. Maybe it is because I didn't do yoga this morning. Maybe it is because I didn't dance for awhile nor sing nor play the guitar...

Anyway,
'Love' is such an over-used word. But, I want to over-use it.

On a tram

Tram is the most amazing transportation in New York City.
The crowd is very exotic. The majority seems always European. It is very pleasant to hear some French in the morning, even more so in the evening-. And there are also a lot of Japanese. At least one father with a small kid maybe headed to a childcenter.
Maybe it is because of Roosevelt Island's proximity to UN. Or the risk that is associated with the tram after accident and the height that can be scary are only tolerable to Europeans. The tram is from Switzerland. I heard tram is common there.

I am so proud of myself that I got up at 6am. Another day to strive hard. But this kind of day. Gloomy, dark, excessively windy day. One has to stay home. All day She would listen to the one good album. (i want to listen to old chansons with very deep voice and unfathomable voice.) And when she gets hungry, she would eat bi-bim-bob in a big cooking bowl ( Korean mixing rice- sometimes a symbol (according to Korean soap operas) of a depressed woman when she eats it out of a big bowl uglily because when rice is mixed with all sorts of vegetables and red pepper sauce it doesn't look delicate). That would be all she would do. Sometimes you need to act according to the weather, how the day makes you feel. But, I know, who can afford that..

Days between home and library( for me, the business center of the nice apartment building), it is like how Einstein lived. My childhood-adolescence hero. Who guided half of my life. To a young girl's eyes, he was the sexist man( other than Brad Pitt). I had his famous photo with messy hair and eyes looking up above my desk. He was a womanizer and cheater. He even wrote to his daughter that women didn't leave him alone. Huhu, I would've bothered him a lot. The sexier man ever might be Jacque Derrida. But he is also dead...

Mercer street will be 'more' beautiful loft neighborhood

Unbelievable how many buildings are under construction on Mercer Street in SOHO.

Andre Balazs and Jean Nouvel's 40 mercer is almost completed in a dominating magnificence.

OK since my dream to build ok-tap-bang(rooftop house) seemed too complicated legally, I will buy a beautiful SOHO loft.

Ah! Globalization!- the case of UNIQLO

Upon a demand from Mr. Yamaguchi to look at some new developments in SOHO area, I hopped on a green 6 line subway to Spring street.

Voila! The world where the coolness prevails. The lovely part of Manhattan with the smell of the old passion.

Before I headed to where I had to, I noticed the source of the latest hype of SOHO.
UNIQLO.
What a beautiful store. It just had a launching party with a very famous sushi chef serving it. Everyone seemed so expectant. Its signs were all over the city a few months before its existence.
I laughed at it. Again...? I thought I won't see it again after I left Tokyo, its birth city.
As I remeber, UNIQLO was nothing about coolness. It was just very affordable, yet colorful, yet too simple for my taste. Another GAP. Even worse, I even hated it because of its ubiquity (The only everywhere-store that i liked in japan was Mos burger, because it was just amazingly good, and because it was food, you can't complain about food ^^) . The same reason I hate Starbucks. There were just too many stores. I shopped there only once when i had too. But my pink underwear even didn't last a month. And my purple hoodie ruined all my light colored clothes.
Maybe it is just my personal impression. But Hiro didn't also like it, and he complained his mother kept buying there. Anyway, in any measure UNIQLO in Tokyo wasn't even as half impressive as the one in SOHO.
I think it is the beautiful work of Globalizstion. The magic that happens when something crosses over between cultures. Which makes Dunkin Donuts gourmet in Seoul, and makes Gap gool in Tokyo. Something very interesting happens in-between. I love it.

And its amazing catalog. With short bios of each street models who seemed coordinated their style on their own, covering from Williamsburg, New York to Harajuku, Tokyo. And semi-heroic bios of its makers and designers. The whole thing is almost like japanese anime in its intensity. Ah! Japanese anime is only That anime outside of Japan.

There's something to learn in UNIQLO's marketing success even with annoying ubiquity.

I promise i will never shop in UNIQLO but i don't know how long I can keep it.

On the way back

The air is now really pregnant with rain. Now i can feel it.

There are so many restaurants in upper east side. I see people sitting around tables with their friends. Today, I want to be with friends quietly. Not another crazy night in clubs. I want to have 'heated discussions' with them. About life, philosophy, travels, love, arts or everything else that people disagree. I want to argue. And drink for the excitement. And at the end, to chill the heat, jump on the night train and yell at the full moon over the dark winter ocean.
So exciting just to imagine about it...

One thing to do after the test.
I want to write to these friends in Social philosophy club(ku-ra-bu). SaSaki kun, washida Kun, Nishino kun, beautiful Uchiyama chang, .... We drank togther, discussed Plato's republic, Karl Popper's 'open society,' Jean-Luc Godard's 'new wave.' I was not knowledgble at all to discuss about them. I was more of a listener or learner. At least I did all the reading assignments just enough to understand and absorb the heat of the discussion. (There were also lots of emotions going on underneath among these four or five people.) Sasaki (the leader of the club) always suggested crazy ideas to do after drunk discussions( one of them being running away without paying for drinks).
I miss them a lot.

Last night, because it became unbearable to study alone, I went to Youmi and Soyoung's apt. I laughed so much with them last night. We share a lot. I followed them to Fairway (famous Upper West Side grocery). How I love the smell of grocery shops!
I felt I was such a spoiled kid. Not only I don't do any grocery shopping. My mommy does all the laundries, cleanings, and she even makes two lunch boxes for me everyday! I should get out of this lovely house as soon as possible. Otherwise, I will be as spoiled as fish in the market on a hot summer day.

I am so so hungry. Almost 12AM. But we three girls decided to go on a diet. Just enough. So, I am keeping myself from eating something. Even the attractive clementine orange on my desk, I am avoiding. Other than just for trying to lose weight, I think feeling hungry is a good feeling. Holding oneself from instantly satisfying a desire is in the end very fulfilling. Body feels more in control and mind takes the power over.

I will make the list of things to do after the test..

FW: On the way

----Ancient ginkgo tree in Roosevelt Island

---Frisbee..

I am heading to a place to study.
Moisty, windy, virgin the air is just about right. This is an air that will bring some rain, maybe big rain.

In a soon-to-be-gone soccer field (condo construction), young people are playing ultimate frisbee. Running after a flying disc is an exciting idea. I admit it is even better than running after a rolling soccer ball. I want to join them. Ah, i have a test, i forgot.
In front of me, there are very cute elementary school couple, holding hands together. A brown girl and a white boy. Yeah, my mind is already contaminated enough to notice colors of kids. But i hope these kids change this world.

When i was in their age, i liked a guy named 'Aron.' maybe he was a class captain and i was a vice captain. Maybe i was a captain, he was a vice captain. My memory is blurred. He was dark, big, very smart, played the violin, had beautiful dark big eyes, too calm for his age, sang well, did't play the soccer like other kids. I never thought the kid like him would like a tomboy like me, whose time in school solely consisted of classes and go-mu-jul games (damn I was good at it). So, i never told him i liked him. A few years ago, I got a hold of him and i confessed to him huhu. And he said he liked me too! I was so happy.
I miss my childhood friends. But i have so many of them, since my family moved a lot. I attended 6 elementary schools, 2 middle schools, 2 high schools and 3 colleges. I am a school collector. Who can beat me?

4 pm. I was thinking other stuff trying to avoid test-anxiety. I have to study more. But i had such a horrible nightmare, which made me totally exhausted. And studying alone is so lonely. At least i want to have a partner or someone who will check on me. I am being a baby..

Why I love tram -and still stay in Roosevelt Island despite everything.

Because this is what I see every night.

A couple was kissing hard on tram tonight. kuku. I understand, there is no light in a tram and the view is very sexy. But, it is not nice to make too much noise, because the tram is very small and everyone can hear it, and people have nothing much to do in that small space except looking out or/and listening to other people talking and imagining stuff.

Night on Oct. 23rd

One night,

I went to see the musical called "Unlock'd" by the invitation at York Theatre on E.54th St.

It was a very moving musical about love by Samuel Carner, and the music was by Derek Gregor, who played the songs on the piano throughout. I loved the music so much that I couldn't go back home like that even though I was really tired.

Some quotes:

"Seduction is seductive both to seduced and seducer."

and some very observing comments that I want to ask for later.

When I got out (E. 54th St. and Lexington Ave.) , there was this synagogue " Central Synagogue" (Very very beautiful building with obviously some women-rabbis, the tour is given every Wednesday 12:45 pm (I am yet to do it!)) and the purple building "Fitzpatrick Manhattan Hotel"( Looks like an Irish hotel line!) , which I call "Joy and David," because Joy loves purple, and David is Jewish, and they are very in love, and these buildings are always look very close to each other. And David likes Ireland!

----Joy and David Rendez-vous

----Fitzpatrick Manhattan Hotel. (127 East 55th St. )

I love people in New York, like the architect who built this building, who tries to add some COLORS to this too modern city.

And I couldn't go home with my heartbeats (because of the music) . So I went to a Opia Lounge on E.57th St. & Lexington Ave. It has a dizzy red light, beautiful girls, beautiful balconies (maybe Mediterranean Style) and beautiful drinks.

And this is the view of One Beacon Court (151 E. 58th St.) from Opia by drunk Jiah, all-glass super luxury building across Bloomingdale. I think it looks better than Timer Warner on Upper West Side.

Colorful building with beautiful setback

This is the building I always pass by on a tram. This photo doesn't show its beautiful setback with trees. One day, a kid was running into the building through the front garden. I thought that is just such a beautiful scene. Kids need a place to run..
This is definitely unque building, looking like a colorful chopstick. It is a high building that stands out.
Its name is Evans View. 39-story, 20-years-old condo with 157 unites. Two-bedroom, which is only unit on market is $998,000. Right around Queensboro Bridge, close to Bloomingdale.

Lovely Building~

This is my favorate Upper East Side building.

Barbizon63.

Grace Kelly, Candice Bergen, Ali Mcgraw, Lisa Minelli lived here.

"Romanisque and Moorish details," its beauty is called.

It used to be some kind of house for women.

Walkin' Trampin'

There is a very good reason that I have strong soccer players' legs. Not only was I indeed a soccer player in high school ( a bad one at that, who kept crazilyrunning?after a ball-I was obssessed- and who lost so many chances), but also, Irealized, I tramp 'really' hard when I walk, wheneverI am very determined.I also bite my teeth hard.

That is what I was doing.

I am studying for LSAT. I am desperate to go to NYULaw School. And I am not reaching the score I have to get. And I cannot give up.This time, I am the one who wants to achieve it. Desperately.

And if I don't get it.... I am going to be dead... Dead-like....I will be devastated.

See.... The goal-oriented life is not good for me. It will kill me. Once upon atime, I wanted to be a (Buddhist or not) nun, and live a peaceful life forever. But I might have to stop avoiding competition, achievement or life anymore. It is more important to survive.

31 blocks & $3.50 of happiness

That life is worth living is the most necessary of assumptions and were it not assumed, the most impossible conclusion.-- George Santayana

Then, I ask...
Does it have to be worth living? Does a life have to have a value? How do we know? Like Descartes...who anyway failed somehow, i don't want to make unneccessary assumptions in my life. I don't think life is worth living any more than it is not. And i refuse to accept it.

It would be funny if all I could say when I die in front of my loved ones is "oh, you know, my life was great. It was worth living." It should be more than that. Tenzin told me that in Tibetan Buddhism having a good death is even more important than living a good life. I wonder what "the Tibetan Book of Death" would say about a good death. Enlightenment.

Hue, that is my problem.... I let myself be swayed by the forces of life, exatly because that i tried to avoid them.. Meaning that, I refuse too many things that I am supposed to suppose to live, thereby being left un-protected. I deny too much, like unfortunate charaters of Dostoyevsky. But, i enjoy this inefficiency of my life. What a waste of time.. What a fun...

After ten hours of study, my brain was about to explode. So i treated myself with gohoubi(reward). Ice cream!! (For the first time I tried huge medium size Tasti Dlite for $3.50) And I walked 31 blocks of beautiful Second Ave. More so after the rain. My heart was singing, my eyes wet like dark asphalt coated with water.

And the view from tram. Breath-taking. (What more can I say...)

Pathetically romantic. Maybe I was missing someone terribly, maybe just abstractly from lonesomeness. No I missed all my loved ones. And i hoped to share it.

Madeleine Peyroux is singing 'autumn in New York' now. Just perfecto!