Yu-hu!

I was secretly excited all day. My body felt the spring, it remembered all the lost sensations. Old melodies kept flowing out. And I almost cried remembering those special moments.. On the bus on a picnic day, singing Korean pop songs. Writing a stupid poem about horse for my high school crush. The touch of grass on my inner skin while peeing in the woods. Golden waves of rice field in the fall. My heart explodes with those old feelings! The night air smells wine, it is crisp and ancient. The memory of snow is sweet on a passing winter day. Smell of spring grass... So friendly...... Smell of earth, mother earth.. On a day of collecting frog eggs. The soft embrace of wetness on my legs. That smell of frog eggs... So honest....
This is why I have to have a karaoke on my basement!

Buddhist ceremony for my mom's shop

Dizzy's club coca cola

I feel like i am the bravest woman. I am the only single woman sitting in this beautiful restaurant.

Pearl theatre

Pearl theatre, originally uploaded by mussoppool.

A guy from France whom I met yesterday lamented his country is becoming a mere tourist country or a museum country for American travellers. There are no entrepreneurs. Young people think about vacations all the time. People rely on government too much. Nothing new about it. Even when I was young and fresh, I felt very sad when a beautiful beach in Korea became suddenly filled with ugly stores for tourists.

But, I like being a perpetual tourist. I rode a new bus which went through unknown path in Chinatown. Listened to lots of carols (I don't get tired of it, because it is only once a year, and the same exact songs at the same time of the year gives me the feeling of soothing continuity.) Looked at Christmas crowds hugging kissing loving, smiling at each other. Families, couples.
And when I got off somewhere in East Village. There was a small theatre perfect for late weekend night. The Pearl Theatre Company. I liked the modest looking people unlike Lincoln Center people who don at their best. Excitement. Charming giggling.

It was the last day of "Arms and the Man" by Bernard Shaw.
The story of Bulgarian girl (who was already engaged to a Bulgarian officer) who falls in love with a enemy soldier who drops into her room and asks for chocolate. I laughed so much with people around me at the witticism. I laughed at Louka's rebellious sprit (the servant girl who later gets engaged to the Bulgarian officer, Sergius, who broke up with the girl, Raina)- "You take courage out of me with your old wisdom." "I will be an empress of Russia, and marry whom I love" Captain Bluntschli, the "Chocolate Cream soldier" of Raina, laughs at his loving Raina's "noble attitude and thrilling voice." After 13 years of soldiering, he takes nothing seriously, but "incurably romantic." I want my "Chocolate cream soldier"!

Anyway, it was a little bit high-priced entertainment. But, the acting (how can they memorize all lines? Miracle...) and laughes were so worth that money. I was also happy to see familiar faces on the stage.
And... I still want to be an actress somday.......

Seaport Christmas..

Yellow moon.
Sparse stars.
Lone pilot in the sky.
Harmonious bridges.
Anxious ships.
Christmas carols.
Couples kissing by the attraction of the sea angel.
Sea smell.
Me. Embracing everything.

Design blog party

I just felt like singing Beatles out loud~

December 8th, 1980 is the day when John Lennon was shot by Mark Chapman.
I wanted to attend a memorial in front of the Dakoda (1 West 72nd St.) and in Strawberry field like last year.
Stupid me, I fell asleep for almost 4 hours while waiting in a friend's house in Upper West Side near the Dakoda.
Some people say John Lennon changed their lives. Last year, I went to a memorial with such a person. But, I don't know much about John Lennon. I still don't know about his dreams, what he wanted to accomplish, how he changed the world. All I know is that his music is so powerful that everyone have fond memories about his songs, and some people are dedicated enough to sing his songs all night in the cold. And they are all in one spirit. It is itself an amazing thing.
My memory of his songs is... that all throughout my first year in high school, I ONLY listened to the Beatles, ALL THE TIME. I hid an earphone under my uniform, and was always holding an ear like I am sleeping on my arm. I was never noticed even though I did it every class! I was on an earphone even when I go to a bathroom...
I am sure everyone has some sort of memory about John Lennon and the Beatles.
Anyway, I was thankful of people who stayed until I arrived well past 12am. I and Soyoung sang along. It always feels good to sing with other people.
I wish John Lennon a good rest. What would he think about this world now, I am curious?

The question of 'style'

"Memories of India (Recuerdos de la India)"

At Joe's Pub, 12/5/06 9:30 PM

"What was venerated as style was nothing more than an imperfection or flaw that revealed the guilty hand."

"Yet does illustrating in a new way signify a new way of seeing?" -My name is Red by Orhan Pamuk

Some songs are felt through brains (one of my friends says it is always through brains. Without understanding, there is no appreciation. I disagree). Some songs are felt through toes, you just have to tap your toes to really appreciate the song. Some songs are felt through inner thighs...

And some songs are felt through hearts. It has a direct impact on heart. The way some describe as religious experience or love-at-first-sight. And it makes one defenseless. As soon as the flamenco guitarist begins to run his fingers on the guitar, I felt attacked on my heart. It was extremely sad, extremely delicious.

Juan Polvillo, the flamenco dancer, danced revealing everything, hiding nothing. His facial expressions and his moves were so raw that I felt relieved in a way.

Two gypsy flamenco singers were almost crying. Soyoung said it was so much like Korean traditional singing 'chang' with 'han' (suppressed sadness or more than that). I felt in love with the young singer, Manuel "El tane." I will never be bored of hearing his strange songs and looking at his cute smile forever~.

But, of course, the most memorable and powerful experience was looking Maha Akhtar's dancing. She was trained in Indian traditional dance, called kathak. Then, she also learned flamenco. With the flamenco guitar, the cello, and the tabla (Indian percussion) in harmony in the background, she danced a strange dance. At some point, her hands were kathak (telling stories), her body moved in flamenco rhythm, and at other points, her feet moved kathak, but her butts moved flamenco. It was neither entirely, but either one every time. She was smiling in the middle of the tension.

I think a person has to embody some type of art during the lifetime. Whatever it is. It doesn't have to follow existing traditions. No, it is not that a person has to. I want to talk about how something becomes the "style" of life. Art necessarily manifests in the lifestyle of that person. Hiphop dancers live hiphop lifestyle. Classical players live according lifestyle. The flamenco dancer, Juan Polvillo's body and face says "flamenco." Maha Akhtar is a genius, who can create her own style, her own art. I really admire her. I don't know what exactly I am talking about. But, I think I almost sound like a very smart-looking guy I talked to once, who said "Jewish culture was lost in me, I feel guilty, I want to revive it in my children." And the first quote, I don't agree, it is by a murder (patternist of Islamic art, I assume), who killed a master artist.

By the word "Style," I mean more than something exterior. It is a certain kind of "theme," that runs through in and out. Harmony. At the age of 25, I feel a little ashamed that I am still looking for my "style."

Post-LSAT commentary

During previous LSAT tests, I often thought that some people( and a lot ) who take this test look really ugly. Those brightly glittering eyes with ambition for status and money. Ugly ambition, ugly faces. - I admit, sometimes I am terribly critical. ( But usually I am not judgmental. It is just because my mother's will, against or in the absence of my will, is disgustingly reflected in these innocent co-test-takers.)

This time, I had no time to laugh at people around me, who has no reason to be laughed at. The test was really intense.

Can you guess my favorate East Village spot?

"Kenka" on St. Mark's place- A true Japanese Izakaya (pub). I love it because of its ambience and old enka songs background, and excellent katsuo tataki (Skipjack Tuna or bonito sashimi with outer part seared) and amazing salad, and all the variety of food, which is a trademark of Izakaya. But non, this is not my favorate.

Kim's Video-I love this place, because you can easily get lost amid all the old-smelling CDs and DVDs and books and... "interesting looking" "Stuff." Also, lots of imported stuff. I am always reminded of a place in the movie "High Fidelity" when I enter this place. And I am also curious to know if Kim is the last name or the first name.

Interesting People Gothic people, Hippie people, rock'n'rollers (old and young), Japanese Hip-hop crews, Japanese Furitas, Rich Korean kids, Rich Taiwanese kids, Parsons people, NYU kids, Billy People... What a dynamic mix.

New CBGB Shop Um.... It is a new addition. Even though there were a lot of people on the street, the store was empty. So, I went in. I wasn't very intested in T-shirts. It is gone. So, what does a T-shirt mean now?

Sing Sing Karaoke Finally, my favorate spot in East Village. Nothing can beat this! For $5 each person between 1pm and 7pm everyday, you can sing any American, Japanese, Korean songs. In a private karaoke room! I highly recommend this place for people who need to look impeccable when going out for karaoke with friends, or people who just have to sing out loud without caring about other people, or couples in need of privacy. I think for general well-being of Americans, the karaoke culture has to be improved. In Japan, it is ok to go to karaoke alone, there is a place called "Uta Hiroba," a very tiny room for $2 an hour, without wigs or instruments to play with unlike other karaokes in Japan. In Korea, people never go to karaoke alone, as I know. There is a luxury karaoke, which is very clean and beautifully decorated. I miss singing and dancing on the table as a high school girl.

Trying deperately to fall asleep

My idea of romantic night....

A night with someone I love all alone in the middle of the ocean on a fishy-smelling traditional squid catching small ship. The ship is covered by very bright light bulbs because squids are attracted to light. One spot of light! In all engulfing darkness. Wow so~ romantic.

I want to do it so badly now...

Good night, beautiful world~

Sweet saltiness of Chrysothamnus Tea

When I came back from study, from a beautiful city of night (with a clouded half moon), from sadness of regreting not loving enough people from my past, because of my stupidity,

Chrysothamnus Tea was waiting for me...
Tea came from Korea, directly from my Buddhist monk cousin.

I smelled saltiness. I smelled the earth. I smelled death (because chrysothamnus is a flower that you offer to the dead in Korea.)
And I cried, because it was so rightly soothing for this moment.
Green tea would been so harsh for me. Hot chocolate would been so illusionary fro me.

I was humming a Brazilian singer's song. A very happy Bossa Nova. Then, it made me sad. Because I was reminded of all the people I didn't love enough. Especially, Hiro. I don't feel guilty anymore. But, I feel very sad. I hope all of them are happy.

I should be a professional tram photographer.

The color of the day around 4 pm is so magical. 'magical mystery tour-'

I told my little brother that i was preparing for the test. And make sure not to tell parents about it. Because i wanted to get a ride from him on the day of the test. But it seems i have to get a cap.

My little brother is very inspiring. He didn't graduate from high school. He fought in school against stupid kids who likes to make fun of 'yellow people.' I understand the racist prejudice black kids experience would be nothing to compare with our experience in this Brooklyn public high school. But some kids can be violent toward us. But usually kids in my school were nice. I could still make friends even though i didn't dress well.

Anyway, my brother went to a city college. But suddenly, he took an interest in study. With good grades, he went to Binghamton, on of the best public universities. He is in a pre-med program. He said he got the best grade among 400 students.

I really respect him. Because I know why he is studying so hard. And because he didn't study much in the past, it must have been extra hard for him to study.

Yey, let's learn from my little bro. I will do my best.

Ki-duk kim's 'spring, summer, fall, winter...and spring'

Hiro's friend asked him to watch the film. The reason is obvious. Hiro told me to watch it too and i watched it with another man.

To watch the nature of Korea was... making my heart to explode (and also the set is from my family's (not my) hometown). I recognized the shape of mountains (and their reflections on lake surface), the clouds, the rocks, the colors of water, everything. It is amazing how one can feel so attached to the nature. He wanted to watch a French film because he could see the landscape of Provence. I cried when I went to Korea after four years to see the korean pine trees in the mountain.

Why do we feel attached to the nature? Would I cry to see the old hometown city view? Maybe because the spirits reside only in the nature?

On the floating temple in the middle of the lake, surrounded by the mountains,

One man goes through the life, like the seasons go,

Spring, he is young, he tortures a sname, a fish, and a frog by binding them to a small piece of stone.

Summer, he falls in love with a girl who came to the temple to cure her illness. They make love, and the master finds out, she leaves, and he follows.

Fall. He lives a life full of anger, because she left him for another man. He kills his wife, and flees back to the temple. He lives his sentence in prison. The master burns himself.

Winter. He comes back, and live in piece.

Spring. A woman with a scarf on her face brings a baby and dies.

During "fall," when he was still full of anger, the master writes the full text of prajnaparamita sutra on the floor of the temple. He asks the man to carve them out. With policemen watching him down to take him to prison, with all his energy, he finishes carving.

"Perfection of Wisdom"

색즉시공 色卽是空 공즉시색 空卽是色 All phenomena is void "emptiness," "emptiness" is all phenomena.

How much time it even took me to understand a little bit of this deep idea. Because I was against of the idea of "emptiness" But, this simple sentence has so many levels. Eventually, it is liberating.

So, then, the master is teaching him to lose attachment.

Maybe I am my own way, because I grew up with Buddhism and I studied it. I am fundamentally too non-attached, so I tried to feel more "attachment."

I love this statue.

When the man finds out the mother of the child (possibly the woman he loved) died, he burdens himself with a huge rock and take this statue to put on the top of the mountain. The statue looks down on the sea of mountain.

I wanted to catch...

..The sparkles on the surface of East River around 10 am on the late November day of 50 degrees. Because it will be different after a few days.
So melodic...
Um... What kind of music would it be? Because it is ridiculously pure, maybe church music... Seventeenth or eighteenth century... Bach... Or the composer right before him, who i heard somewhere. If it is colder and windier, and if it was a little later in the day... I would ask for some old traditional Korean song called 'chang.' Because the same old purity will have been hardened, and will be more of a cry of 'han.' Ah, I want to watch 'Seopyunjae' again. It is an old Korean movie about a traditional 'chang' singer in the turn of the last century. The life she has to go through to perfect her music. She has to travel around and go through all the hardship. I love the nature and her being part of it and transforming it through her singing. The message was something like... She has to embrace the nature, tune herself ( whatever hardship it means) and later she transcends... It is such a long time ago, so I might be just making up. Now, I really have to watch it. After the test!
Maybe, life is really for more than a life. What are all these difficulties for? Well, nothing. But i can use them. What is my art to perfect in this life? How can I face this world? How can I transform it?

I was eating 'jalea( mixed fried seafood-sooo good)' in 'piopio,' a Peruvian restaurant on First Ave & 91st street. I loved the symbols on the wall.

Alternative consciousness

Now, no more drinking (still doubting, can I do that?), no more smoking, no more coffee after the test...
How can I enjoy 'alternative consciousness'?

I will definitely take a ballroom dancing class. I already have a companion. I need to allow my body some freedom without my intervention. And then... I can't delay guitar & drumming lessons either. My energy will be clogged and causes me to go crazy. And then... I have to learn French & Chinese. French-ness in me will go rotten if I don't allow it vent. I didn't hear my Chinese-ness screaming out yet. But, I shouldn't let it die young. Hm..... I can't afford everything i want money-wise & time-wise. But they are the minimum requirement for my sanity, if I decide not to drink...

After the test, I want to watch lots of Jack Black movies to recover the power.

The day calls for Elton John

This kind of ironically festive day (supposedly, because it is Thanksgiving) is for Elton John. "Benny and the Jets" or "Rocketman" or "Philadelphia Freedom." For no specific reason. (Someday, I will sit down and study lyrics). I wonder why Elton John's songs are always ironical, even when it is brightest and happiest. Is it just me? Is it the sentiment of his time?

It is raining and empty. But, it is a thanksgiving. And I am all by myself. And I am entertaining myself by singing old songs to myself.

Now, I am an exciting (and crazy) time of D-single digit toward the test. From now, I shouldn't really talk to anyone. So, today, I called a lot of friends, I shot a lot of emails. I don't know why I am so anxious anytime I have an exam. My whole metabolism changes, and I can't eat well and nothing stays in my brain or stomach. If it is occasionally, it is mentally and physically refreshing. If it is too often, I will really go crazy..... But, it is OK with me, because I enjoy whatever, the only thing is I look crazy to other people. And I am seriously thinking about killing myself if I don't reach my goal...

Like during DIV3 (senior thesis), I lived in the outside lounge of the school library, surrounded by the mountain of books, and my three meals were each pint of ice cream. The only thing I did except sitting and going to bathroom was to play the pool or the table-tennis with friends, whoever I can catch at the time. When I had to study in my room, I drank 10 cups of coffee a day, only listened to Depeche Mode. Not that I tried to be eccentric. I had to... Like other people have a mode of behaviors (shopping or eating)during stress-time.

Today, I studied for a while in the building lounge, so after a few hours of study I treated myself to pool games and called Suyeon at Hampshire who is doing DIV3.

Wild ride

Wow.....
I was amazed by my sick face in the mirror. The whole face was white including lips without a tint of red. It is not something that happens everyday. So, I was truly amazed.
For almost ten minuites, spasms in a strange rhythm ruled my body inside out. Mainly along the intestine path. I vomitted terribly. The cause is.. I don't know. My know-it-all mommy told me it is because I don't eat dinners. I think it might be chilian bass with too much oil, or oysters (or their cousin) pickled in a Korean style. Maybe it is my test anxiety. (it is intereting that, for any event, I can think of millions of reasons). Maybe god is punishing me for thinking too much about the theme of death, he/she thinks I am too arrogant. It might be also 'a butterfly effect' of someone in Madagascar peeing on the street.

Seven minutes past one PM;
I am powerlessly lying on my bed.
All I can move is these fingers typing. Usually, I enjoy the calm break the sickness offers. And all the special treatments. But, this is not really a good timing.

I want to wear a red eyeshadow

A cup of my first-of-season hot chocolate made me so happy that the red color abused by restaurants to make people hungry and spend money was ok with me ( I even thought that I want to wear red eyeshadows to harmonize with this night of the city). Cold refreshness without delicious smell of the earth, though very sad, was bearable.

Um, hot chocolate after two meals of eating out is a bit of luxury. But, well, I wanted it. And because the melody of the old Korean movie '' peppermint candy'' came back. I had it peppermint hot chocolate.

Gosh, it is amazing how many things that I haven't done ( to friends and to myself) come to my attention only when I can't do it. Like right now. I will definitely regret a lot when I die.

Calm Saturday

316 East 88th St.
The Church of holy trinity

http://www.holytrinity-nyc.org/

I like the building that I can breathe memories. This is it.

I will have to buy a gas gun

It took me quite a while to realize this girl was pulling a knige on my stomach. She asked me to give her everything. I didn't know what to do at all so I screamed 'help' and ran up the escalator like crazy. And in the flatform of 6 train when I felt I escaped, I cried loudly. I couldn't stop. My heart was like in disco ( i couldn't get its rhythm). My legs shaking. I didn't realize everyone was watching me until a few people asked me if I was ok. I was so scared by this little girl about 17 yrs old. Me who is not afraid of anything except ghosts. Later I was sad that this girl had to act like that. Poor girl. I think i understand her feeling of 'not having'. But I hope someone teaches her how to handle that feeling and use it for her own good until it is too late.
Later at home I laughed about it with my mother by reacting my cry. It was funny to her because she knew how I would cry.

A break from a rainy passion

I was worried.... That I got too excited about the crazy rain. When I got out of the rain (its lobby already decorated for the Christmas...maybe that affected me), water was pouring at the digree of 60. I thought it was amazingly beautiful. Again, the photo doesn't testify well.

And... I became a part of it ( meaning I was totally whipped and wetted). If it was not in the middle of the city, but the field, I would've thrown the useless umbrella of mine and become one with it instead of a part.

The double bus (M101 on Lexington Ave) was totally empty. The second time (almost) in my life since the time in Shikoku, Japan, when I was heading to Ehime (Hiro's hometown) from the southern part of the island. I had such a good talk with a driver about ghosts, because it was a ghosty night. Maybe after that I did another car pool to a local hot spring (on-sen)--where I was in a very good danger.

-- It is just so sad that I lost all my diaries and photos from that time. I don't love Japan or Japanese culture. But I have an affection to that little island- country. Because of the personally symbolic memories. To me, Japan means freedom. That was only place I was entirely free, I did almost everything that came to my mind except spending too much money. My 'love- if I can call it that way, attachment of any sort' is very situational, conditional.

Rain was pouring uk-su-ro ( korean adverb, a southern dialect that means cats and dogs, special word for me).

I was on my way to Jean Gon's house to exchange some traditional Korean food. She lives in Korea Town in midtown. On the way, I was a little scared of the fact I was estranged from this part of the city. I don't know why. Usually, I am ok about my lukewarm koreanness.

On the way, the Empire State was shrouded by flowing clouds. The way clouds flow was even exotic.

Jean won the award for her journalist writing about Nam Jun Paik. The institution is called New America Media (She is on the front page photo!!), which combine the forces of all ethnic media. What a meaningful award. I loved the article so much. It was about her personal encounter with the famous video artist.

Even though it was still pouring, I decided to take 6 train so that i can take a tram.

Another lucky encounter was Morgan Library museum which is hosting Bob Dylan's exhibition. He is also very special. Such a person makes me feel alive. 'like a rolling stone' is my first guitar song. My first big concert is his. I am listening to 'Don't think twice' almost every day.

Now, I am sitting in Franchia, a traditional Korean tea house, which reminds me of Insadong( traditional village in Seoul, Korea)'s tea houses. I drank Schisandia Chinesis tea ( Omija cha).

Maybe I wanted to show that I am still connected with Korean cultures. Maybe, I wanted to cleanse my brain from the noise by writing out. Maybe I just needed a break from the passion of rain.

The music by Korean instruments sound very soothing on my ears. Various music. Hey jude by the bealtles. And the theme song of 'the last emperor' by sakamoto ryuichi. Maybe this guy is my first actor crush. He acted as a Japanese general who commits suicide in Manchuria as soon as the Japanese emperor anounces the defeat of Japan in WW two. I found out later that he also composed all the music in the movie. What a human.. I fell in love with him. His character was against all my ideals. The guy who would kill himself for the country?... It is the silliest think anyone in any era can do in my opinion. Something to laugh about. Also, I didn't like Japan as a country (all the wrongs it did). But, in the eyes and the heart of the this slow adolencent girl, his acting made it something else. He made me feel it was something else. He is not killing himself for any cause. It is something that I would do if I was born in 1930's in Korea by killing myself in the midst of independece movements, or thr eighteen century France shouting liberty or The time of witch hunting by burning myself in impunity, with all innocence. It is not for any cause. He is not dying for any cause. So, even though I don't accept his death for the country, I understand his death. Can I just say it is something like living the spirit of the era? I am not sure. But I don't know what the spirit of this era is. Maybe that is why I don't have to kill myself. Lucky me. Lola Montez, 'you have to live before you die.' True. I like this kind of easy-to-know, simply truthful quote.

I am trying to make myself understand. What am I after? His life and his death is a solution, the only solution that my brain can imagine for the eternal problem of life (I don't want to use the word "existential" because I don't understand the concept well). Especially, sharply felt during the time of this movie, amid all the meaningless wars and deaths. The turn of the century. There is no such thing like cause to die for. Then, you have to make one. Because you have to live. And you have to die for that, for the same reason. In a strangely smart way, he showed a hint that he was not dying for the cause, but for his life. To make his life worthwhile. (Again, I am against any kind of suicide).

Um, I really loved a lot of men... In case of Sakamoto Ryuichi, I loved crazily. Maybe, that is almost a few months after I loved Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind. All these men are so full of life. Um, Rhett Butler also went to war in a very similar way.

Deep inside I don't really care which law school I go to. But now it just became the battle with myself. And that is the last person person I want to be defeated by.. No, it is more than that.